C. S. Inman ([info]csinman) wrote,
@ 2008-03-23 15:51:00
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Current location:I haven't moved in a week.
Current mood: energetic
Current music:Aenima - Tool
Entry tags:projects: princes of iron, writing: craft, writing: questions

750 words of nonsucky synopsis, babe!
I wrote a good synopsis! FOR REAL! :D At least, AW folks said it was okay. I'm a little worried because I had to leave out some things I personally find are selling points or essential for characterization, but they were muddying the focus. I was ruthless, I tell you! RUTHLESS!

Synopsis for YA dark fantasy novel Heart of Stone:

Seventeen-year-old ADRIAN KINCAID was never afraid of his closet, but perhaps he should have been. One moment he's reaching for his New Rocks, and the next he's sliding through a chute made of pure shadow. The trap, cleverly laid by VAME the Goblin Prince, lands Adrian in the Shadowsea: a huge network of enchanted caverns between the River Styx and Faerie.

Vame is a prime target for Heroes, since he runs a nation full of grotesque monsters that use the shadowpaths to steal everything from books to diamonds to tasty little lapdogs. He tells Adrian he needs a human bookmark, an idiot with no martial skills who couldn't really kill him, but will keep his reflexes sharp in case a real assassin shows up.

Adrian's not really choked up about murdering this jerk, because if he succeeds, he can go home. He was miserable there, but at least they had Internet. But while Adrian is trying to stab, poison, or otherwise kill Vame, trouble is brewing in the Shadowsea. A series of thefts, murders, and spellcastings result in a worrisome loss of goblin treasure, and there are several suspects.

It could be the Queen of Faerie, who despises Vame (perhaps because he calls it Overfaerie), referring to him as “The Usurper” (and she calls his realm Underfaerie). It could be a group of renegade goblins led by one of Vame's sneaky advisers. Or it could be the exiled faery Lord INX, who has an unnatural interest in finding the queen's long-lost son, because Prince ARKENSI is a water-sprite whose blood could be used in a ritual to dam the River Styx, thereby allowing a flood of demons to escape from Hell and turn the goblin realm into their magma-filled summer cottage. Once the demons controlled the shadowpaths, they could theoretically use them to steal souls instead of car keys or domestic pets. Theoretically.

Unaware that anyone would be that crazy, Vame suspects his own subjects, and Adrian is too busy trying to stay alive long enough to kill Vame to give it any thought... Until the two of them discover Prince Arkensi hiding in the Shadowsea. Vame decides to sell him to the highest bidder: the snotty faery queen, or Inx the psychotic necromancer. One of Vame's advisers helps Adrian “free” Arkensi.

The adviser is full of crap, however, and hands Arkensi over to Inx. The exiled lord saunters into Vame's court and explains that the thefts and murders were attempts to empty the Shadowsea of gold before the demons melt everything down to an Olympic-sized lava swimming pool. If Vame will cowboy up and help Inx remove all of the gold, they can split it 50/50.

Vame isn't having it.

Gritting his teeth, he goes to the faery queen for help—but she laughs him out of her court. Now Vame's only ally is the very human he kidnapped and instructed to kill him: Adrian, who might be a little smug about it (but come on, who wouldn't be?). They team up to rescue Arkensi before Inx can complete the ritual that dams the river. Perhaps if they bickered less, or fought the zombie guards more quickly, they wouldn't have gotten there too late.

Arkensi is dead.

But Adrian still has a protection charm granted to him—not Vame—by the faerie queen, and it revives Arkensi. They can't un-dam the river, but Arkensi creates a bubble for he and Vame to stand in while they sink to the bottom. Once Vame is close enough to the bedrock to use his power, he opens up a big hole and extinguishes Hell with several trillion tons of cold water. Bye-bye, demons!

When they return to the surface, Adrian is gone, kidnapped by a vengeful Inx. Vame surprises himself and everyone else by playing the part of the Hero. He storms Inx's refuge. Once Inx is dead and Adrian is safe, Vame releases him from his duties as a fake assassin.

Adrian volunteers to continue in exchange for goblin gold, on a part-time basis. After all, he still needs time for school—but pretending to kill your goblin best friend is better than working at McBurger.


Thoughts:

1. It occurred to me that I should go back and make Arkensi female, because I have no women in this book who aren't distant authority figures or incestuously batshitcrazy, but Arkensi is kind of a passive character. Tell me I don't need a girl because Adrian has long hair and paints his nails. Then I can stop obsessing over it.

2. How is my characterization? After I posted it on AW, I tried inserting a little more characterization. Is Adrian more than just a name (and a pair of admittedly awesome boots)? Vame probably comes across all right, even though I wanted to keep his secret pet, a two-headed kitten. It just didn't fit.

3. I didn't mention Vame's power until the end, but so far no one else has cared. If you think I should mention it, WHERE? I can't find a place that won't interrupt the flow.

4. Do you want to read it now? Why or why not? And obviously (I hope), I'm not going to be offended, I'm going to fix it.



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[info]tlcadence
2008-03-23 11:54 pm UTC (link)
First off, this synopsis is getting better each time you post it! You're definitely getting close.

Answering your thoughts first:

1. I don't care if Arkensi is female or not. But I will say that you need to go with your instinct. If Arkensi felt male to you, then that's what he should be. Don't worry about being PC ;) There is no rule that every book has to have a certain amount of female vs. male characters. I've just found that when I force something (like..let's say to make it more COMMERCIAL friendly), the story suffers.

2. Adrian has tons of voice and personality in this, actually. I'd say more so than Vame. I love the part about the Internet and McBurger--it says a lot about him right there.

3. Hmm, this I didn't catch. I've re-read it twice now, but I'm still unsure of what Vame's power is. This could be because I'm a. dense (which is known to happen) or b. it's not clear enough. Is it that he can play Hero? If so, I'm not really sure what that means, but more on that in my next comment.

4. At this point, I'm drawn in by the characters, particularly Adrian's personality/voice. However, the plot elements still seem a bit jumbled/heavy handed. I would read it, and hope it irons itself out basically :P

Since LJ puts limits on these things. I'll comment on more specific things next.

(Reply to this)

Part 1
[info]tlcadence
2008-03-24 01:09 am UTC (link)
Specifics:

One moment he's reaching for his New Rocks, and the next he's sliding through a chute made of pure shadow

Okay, I'm fashion retarded. But I imagine there are others like me. What are New Rocks? I'm assuming a certain brand of boots?

Vame is a prime target for Heroes...

This is where my fantasy retardation comes into play. What are 'Heroes'? I know what the word refers to by definition. But who are the Heroes in your story? I'm thinking of them like the Faerie, goblins or demons. Just another 'group/species' so to speak. Am I correct? Also, 'Heroes' are not mentioned again. Are they an important part of the story? If not, why mention them--because it sounds like you're setting up the Heroes to play the villains in this particular story. When in reality, it's Inx. Who is a...hmm what is Inx...he's a faery lord. ;)

He tells Adrian he needs a human bookmark, an idiot with no martial skills who couldn't really kill him, but will keep his reflexes sharp in case a real assassin shows up.

Watch some of these long, windy sentences. Sometimes trying to be SUPER clear can actually make things less clear. If that makes sense :P

Suggestion: Adrian is a human bookmark, an idiot with no martial kills. He's just what Vame needs to keep his reflexes sharp in case a real assassin shows up.

I'm not saying this is the best way to phrase it either. But I'm trying to make it snappier (which seems to fit your voice) and more clear at the same time.

It could be the Queen of Faerie, who despises Vame (perhaps because he calls it Overfaerie), referring to him as “The Usurper” (and she calls his realm Underfaerie).

First off, I love how you changed this up. Using these other characters in ONE paragraph as a list of suspects works really well! It's much clearer to me what their roles are.

That being said, I found the first sentence confusing. '...perhaps because he calls it Overfaerie'--what does 'it' refer to? The faery society? Then you finish your previous thought--how the Queen calls Vame 'The Ursurper' and end the sentence with another after thought in parenthesis. You're showing character--I get it :) But, there's too much information here, and instead of getting the snark and humor--I'm going....wah?

Is name calling really the reason they despise each other? It must be more than that. If it's important to the story, I'd say why the Queen despises Vame--without going into too much detail. For example(and this is just an example :P): It could be the Queen of Faery, who despises Vame. After all, he fed her lover to his two-headed kitten. This shows his character without going into all the confusing 'name calling' and gives her a real reason to hate him. It's short and sweet. Then--move onto the next suspect.

Or it could be the exiled faery Lord INX, who has an unnatural interest in finding the queen's long-lost son, because Prince ARKENSI is a water-sprite whose blood could be used in a ritual to dam the River Styx, thereby allowing a flood of demons to escape from Hell and turn the goblin realm into their magma-filled summer cottage.

Okay, this one made my head spin. First of all, it's not clear that Prince Arkensi is the queen's son. The phrasing makes the long lost son and the prince sound like two different people. I know, I know. The 'prince' part should be a clue, but still--it's best to make things as clean as possible. And the second part of the sentence is just way too much information crammed into a tiny space. The fantasy retarded (raises hand) may have to read this one a few times to understand everything.

Suggestion: Or it could be the exiled faery Lord INX, who has an unnatural interest in finding Prince ARKENSI, the queen's long lost son. Arkensi is a water-sprite whose blood can dam the River Styx, allowing demons to escape from Hell and take over the goblin realm. (or turn it into a magma-filled summer cottage. Which is awesome--love the voice. But it's a little unclear what a magma-filled summer cottage means. I'm assuming they will overrun the goblins.)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

Part 2
[info]tlcadence
2008-03-24 01:09 am UTC (link)
Once the demons controlled the shadowpaths, they could theoretically use them to steal souls instead of car keys or domestic pets.

Not sure what this means. It sounds funny, but what are shadowpaths?

Vame decides to sell him to the highest bidder: the snotty faery queen, or Inx the psychotic necromancer. One of Vame's advisers helps Adrian “free” Arkensi.

This is a little unclear. Why is Arkensi being 'freed'? (Yes, I know why). But this makes it sound like it's part of Vame's plan.

Suggestion: Vame decides to sell him the highest bidder: the snotty faery queen or Inx, the psychotic necromancer. But Adrian is still pissed at Vame (or looking for revenge, etc), so he helps Arkensi escape with the help of Vame's adviser.

This tells me (or rather reminds me) why Adrian is helping Arkensi escape and also makes it clear that this wasn't part of Vame's plan.

Now Vame's only ally is the very human he kidnapped and instructed to kill him: Adrian, who might be a little smug about it (but come on, who wouldn't be?)

To kill who? Vame or Inx. Simplify this some.

Now Vame's only ally is the very human he kidnapped, Adrian. Then move onto what happens (we'll find out that he's smug in the story). This just allows your synopsis to flow better from one plot point to the next.

And now I just realized where you mention Vame's power. Sorry about that. I don't know why I kept missing it.

I'd delete the 'bye-bye demons' part when you submit it to agents/editors. I get it and appreciate it, but one thing I've noticed is there is a lot of joking/after thought phrases in here. A few are FINE. But when they are in every paragraph, it makes your story seem more cluttered than it is. The synopsis is simply to get across the plot in a clear manner. A little humor and voice will go a long way! But too much can result in A. the reader not getting the humor and/or B. it feeling a little forced after awhile.


When they return to the surface, Adrian is gone, kidnapped by a vengeful Inx.

Again, this is a little awkward.

Suggestion: Vame and Arkensi return to the surface, but the vengeful Inx has kidnapped Adrian.

Also, he storms Inx's refuge...and then what? How does Inx end up dead?

Anyway, I know this seems like a lot. But it really isn't--and you don't have to listen to a word of it. My suggestions are just my way of trying to show you how I would've understood the sentence or plot point better.

Like I said, I think you're getting really close to nailing this!

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

Re: Part 2
[info]csinman
2008-03-24 03:12 am UTC (link)
THANK YOU!

There are some places where what you suggested was already in the synopsis and I deleted it because I didn't have room. This wouldn't help me except that you also showed me some things I can delete to make room. Perfect!

Another thing you did is rephrase some things that I knew were awkward, but couldn't do on my own. When I tried to restructure I just made it worse, so I left them as they are--but your sentences are much clearer.

Thank you for spending so much effort on my crappy little synopsis! It's not so crappy anymore. :)

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

Re: Part 2
[info]tlcadence
2008-03-24 04:01 am UTC (link)
No problem! Today has been one of those useless I can't be creative or go hiking Sundays. You gave me something productive to do :)

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]jsbangs.wordpress.com
2008-03-24 02:23 am UTC (link)
Damn! Your synopsis is better than mine. I can't give you the full treatment like Cadence did, but here's answers to your questions:

1) I don't care if Arkensi is female. If you wrote him male, leave him male. Boo tokenism!

2) Vale comes through very clearly; Adrian less so, but I'm not sure it matters. (Like Cadence, I have what New Rocks are.) You can't characterize too much in a synopsis, and the disaffected-teen-who-make-friend-with-a-goblin vibe comes thru clearly.

3) Yeah, even at the end I didn't really get what Vame's power was. I also didn't care.

4) If I were an agent, I'd definitely read your pages, at least.

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[info]jsbangs.wordpress.com
2008-03-24 02:25 am UTC (link)
P.S. I'm still working on taking the suck out of my synopsis, and this is helpful.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]kaerfel
2008-03-24 04:26 am UTC (link)
I really liked the first paragraph. The second paragraph started to get a little confusing, and I stopped reading in the fourth paragraph when you started listing a million people and describing Overfaerie and Underfaerie. You don't need those details--REALLY.

I'd be willing to go over it more for you, but maybe you've already got all the feedback you were after?

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[info]csinman
2008-03-24 07:27 am UTC (link)
I think I do, actually, but after I've reworked it, I'll feed it to you next. :)

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[info]worn_words
2008-03-24 04:46 am UTC (link)
tlcadence really said everything that I wanted to say (and in a much more sucint and eloquent way then I ever could).

so, #4: yes, I would love to read this. Particulary because Adrian seems like a very interesting character. Also because your Realms seems like an exciting place full of interesting "people".

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[info]csinman
2008-03-24 08:08 am UTC (link)
Thank you! Ratifying an existing crit is just as good, because then I know she's right and I'm not just imagining her genius.

And I'm glad it sounds interesting. I'm so afraid the life of the story gets sucked out when I try to cram it into tiny formats. Thanks again!

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[info]worn_words
2008-03-24 04:44 pm UTC (link)
you're welcome :) I think you did a very nice job with this synopsis. From the reader's point of view it is interesting and seems to contain key points of the story.

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[info]momooshka
2008-03-25 06:04 am UTC (link)
What is the "synopsis" for? Is it the inside cover that let's you know if you are interested in reading the book? Is it an on-line or catalogue description of the book to see if you want to buy it?

Whatever it is, I agree that the Cadence person had great suggestions.

Sorry I am too lame to help out. I will just wait until it comes out in paperback and then I will insist on an autograph. <3 you!

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[info]csinman
2008-03-25 06:34 am UTC (link)
You will buy it in hardback, dammit! Hahahaha.

I don't know how much you know about this, so here's the quick rundown: a literary agent is a person whose business is taking an author's book and selling it to a publisher. Agents often have a better idea of where to send a book than a writer will, and they know how to negotiate contracts, so it's good to have one. In order to get an agent, first you write a "query," which is a letter including a short description of your book (like the one you'd see on the back cover, to tell you whether or not you want to read it). These usually tell the beginning of the book and give you an idea of what might happen without giving away the whole plot. You want the agent to want to read more. If an agent likes the query, they'll request part or all of the manuscript, and many of them want a synopsis with it. This way, if there are any stupid parts in the middle or end (like "But it was all a dream. The end!"), they can say no before they waste more of their time.

HOWEVER, in this case I'm writing the synopsis because I've written a loose crappy draft of the book, mostly random scenes stitched together by notes, and I want to start writing the real version. A smart dude named [info]davidlevine brought up the idea that if you write a synopsis first, it could be used to help focus the novel while you're writing, and make the plot stronger. So I'm going to try that. I've written two "real" chapters, but I paused to do this so I would have a firmer idea of where I was going with it.

Blah blah blah ;)

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