These are from our entry for jaylake's contest for the release of Green, which will be funnier if you look at the book's cover. (Pomegranates are out of season.)

kehrli had the idea (and bought Pom).
criada scouted the location (and bought Pom).
kaerfel provided supplies (and bought Pom).
And csinman dressed in drag and dangled by his bare feet from a tree (and also bought Pom).

There are lots of rumors about what actually happens at Rainforest, so I thought I'd give you a photographic account of what it's really like at this amazing retreat.

( More... Some of it is mildly inappropriate, since it has me in it. So you better have a cool boss/teacher. )

Caption this for a mystery prize.

Warning: Mystery prize may hurt your feelings, draw blood, be illegal in the Virgin Islands, damage your vehicle, contain poisons/allergens/preservatives, and has no warranty.

I don't usually have crippling attacks of self-doubt and hatred of my own work, so this isn't so much depressing or sad as it is exotic and to be studied. Oh, and hilarious!

I hate this novella. I think it's awful tripe. If I let people see it they will call me a pretentious hack who couldn't write his way through a monosyllabic word, but only after they've woken up with their face glued to one of the pages with their own drool because it lulled them into catatonia. My novella will be printed in the short printing press. When I got 62% of the way through this novella, it had to tie a chocolate truffle around its outline just to get me to pay attention to it. If I was sitting on the toilet and there was nothing to read in the bathroom but this novella and a shampoo bottle, I'd be memorizing Pantene ingredients. I would rather let a flock of drunk student proctologists practice examining me than re-read this story. If Adolf Hitler paid the Wicked Witch of the West to turn the HIV virus into a story, it would be this novella.

It sucks.

...Actually, I feel better just having written those. Hahaha! Poor novella. All right, back to work.

13645 / 20000 words. 68% done! (And it would be more if I didn't keep rewriting everything, but my usual self-control has been stolen by this Hitler-Witch-HIV story's bad juju.)

I would have one of these on most of my doors, and I would also have this toilet and this sink.

If you were a quirky rich person, what whimsical items would you own?

These desperate tweets aren't an account of my day, but a real-time description of a tragedy as it unfolded before my horrified eyes. Yesterday, 1980 reached through time and with its muscly, sweaty, leather-clad tendrils of cultural appropriation by a confused mainstream, it systematically disabled our souls and the ability to feel.

• 21:37 Help. Trapped in room with movie "Cruising." IMDB it and pray for me. #
• 21:41 Fifty actors so far... not one of them is gay. They just raided a sports bar and ordered them to talk like Brooklyn. #
• 21:57 HANKY CODE STORE. Rhinestone-studded weight set. Rampant metaphorical phalluses. Nazis licking nightsticks. I HURT. #
• 22:00 Gay: ur doin it rawng. #
• 22:08 No! Al Pacino, don't dance! You'll give yourself away! #
• 22:29 This movie just convinced me to get interrogated in NYC. You know, for the muscly black dudes and jockstraps. #
• 22:32 If this was yaoi, Pacino would be the hairiest damn uke I've ever seen. #
• 22:37 Is there a Guinness record for biggest hanky code?! Pacino could dry a wet dog with that thing. #
• 23:24 Christian youth camps should screen this film. I don't think I can touch myself (or other guys) for a week. Cured! #
• 23:28 And for refreshments? We're eating wieners. (I wish I was kidding.) #
• 23:29 M. Night Shyamalan should remake this tripe. With furries. #

I am 87% sure that this is the best thing you will see all day.

...74% sure that it's the best thing you will see all week.

From an Amazon review:

"...There were also a lot of misspellings and other errors which should of been caught in editing."

If you woke up in the backseat of a cop car, and I had somehow orchestrated your presence there, how would I have done it?

There's a prize for the person who makes me laugh the hardest.






...And bonus points if I actually enact the suggestion.

My brain invented an episode of Supernatural while I was asleep.

It had a haunted vibrator.


<3